The Professionals (1977)

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The Professionals (1977)

Postby cyberlad » Tue Apr 16, 2013 10:54 pm

I discovered this thread devoted to how stupid and breathtakingly bad the Professionals is

Anyhow here's a taster

So we've got this episode which begins with the lovely Linda Hayden, star of a billion depressing 70s British sex comedies, crashing through the doors of a church dressed only in her underwear, staggering up the aisle and collapsing on the altar. It's like a writer's exercise: here's the pre-titles sequence, now write the script.

It's a Brian Clemens episode, though, so the script is complete bollocks and absolutely nothing makes sense. It's great. Turns out Linda Hayden's character is German, so Cowley speaks to her in German, and it's a bit embarrassing because Gordon Jackson is clearly fluent and his accent is perfect (ironic in light of what happens in The Great Escape), whereas Linda Hayden can't do a German accent to save her life; an important plot twist rests on the word "buchhalter", which she mispronounces, but obviously no one realised, or cared.

Anyway, she has total amnesia but keeps repeating the name of a place where an important political meeting (or something) is going to happen the next day, and CI5 have to work out what's going on. They don't know where to start, until one of the boffins says that traces of hops were found in the girl's hair, and apparently hops are grown in Kent - so Bodie and Doyle are ordered to get in the Capri and drive her around Kent in the hope that something will jog her memory. That's not "north-west Kent", by the way, or "Maidstone in Kent" - just Kent. All of Kent.

Considering they've got less than 24 hours to explore the ninth largest county in England, the boys don't seem to be in any particular hurry: at one point they stop for ice-creams. Then they go into a pub and stand around for a bit drinking white wine. Bodie even finds time for a quick game of skittles - but then becomes bizarrely impatient back in the car, snarling and calling the young lady "Fritz", completely out of the blue. Lunchtime drinking... it's a motherf***er.

Anyway, who'd have thought it - it turns out that they're in the right part of Kent after all, and oh look there's the right house. We learn that Linda was a nanny for one John Parker, a bank manager, who's vanished and his family have been kidnapped. So CI5 have to find where they're being held captive, and they only have about 20 hours left... that won't be easy. Oh no wait - within about half an hour Doyle's managed to find them by driving up and down some streets at random until he sees a house with a bit of carpet hung up at the window as a curtain. That must be the place - so naturally, he disguises himself as a milkman for no particular reason, kicks down the door and crashes into the house with all guns blazing. Sure enough there they are, tied and gagged at the mercy of some villains, who Doyle mows down in short order. They do shoot back at him with machine pistols in a very confined space, but they miss.

So to cut a long story fractionally shorter, we end up with a situation where this John Parker is still AWOL and can't be found anywhere, but CI5 have worked out (somehow) that the baddies are going to shoot at the building where this important meeting is being held, with a massive grenade launcher or some sh*t like that, and somehow it's got something to do with this John Parker bloke. That's about all they've got to go on. So a CI5 posse, led by Bodie, are sent to check all the local buildings which could potentially be used for a sniper's nest. No luck. "We've checked everywhere", moans Bodie.

But then - wait, hang on a minute - he walks past the bank where John Parker is the bank manager. Despite having been up and down the whole street, they haven't looked in there. So he goes in and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Where's John Parker?" and the bloke says "Oh, he's upstairs." Bodie goes upstairs, breaks down a door and oh look, John Parker is actually being held hostage by some baddies who are pointing a massive gun out the window. So Bodie (who has told his partner to wait outside) gets them all single-handedly, despite the fact that he broke his arm when he shoulder-charged the door.

He's also broken his flash new watch, which he was very proud of, so he's a bit glum when CI5 are having their celebratory drink in the pub afterwards. Doyle produces a present for him - "we all clubbed together" - and he looks really excited and unwraps it, but it turns out it's a kids' watch with a picture of Superman on it. Everybody laughs. "Look," says Bodie, leaning over to show it to the German girl. "They bought me a Superman watch!!!"

That's the end.

You can keep your f*****g Wire, man.

http://www.wsc.co.uk/forum-index/30-fil ... 0&start=80
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby ianj » Tue Apr 16, 2013 11:21 pm

Hahaa lo,Lewis Collins was SO ############# sexy back then.Worth watching just for that,and all the old motors as well.However,nowhere near as good as The Sweeney ( lots of Who people in it as well) and Minder.
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby cyberlad » Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:10 am

The Sweeney I like but Minder is utter sh*te, every week features the same plot Arthur Daley tries to get rich quick and as for the theme song I've a good theory that Dennis Waterman was pissed when he sung the theme song.

As for ther Professionals what series could feature

Evil militant South Africans threatening to blow up London with a nuclear bomb from a bowling alley

Bodie machine gunning terrorists on a motorised lawn mower

A car chase with an antique chest of drawers on top of the capri

Pamela Stephenson having a grenade shoved down her blouse

After defeating the forces and relaxing with a nice scotch using a telescope to lear at an undressing woman which in the late 70s must have been frowned upon
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby ianj » Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:43 am

It was luvly jubly
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby Allons-y » Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:52 am

The Professionals was like a cheap British knock off of Starksy & Hutch, it was really quite hammy
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby LizR » Wed Apr 17, 2013 4:04 am

Sounds a bit....well....unprofessional.
"I have sat here for 13 years weeping at the tragedy of so many people wasting the precious gift of life chasing the mirage of a bigger GDP." -- Jeanette Fitzsimons, in her valedictory speech on leaving parliament.

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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby cyberlad » Fri Apr 19, 2013 5:10 pm

In this banned episode the Professionals attempt to deal with racial prejudice.This being the Professionals racism is handled with all the subtlety of a brick

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgXm9rGCBQY
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby chesterfield » Fri Apr 19, 2013 9:37 pm

Ouch!
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby cyberlad » Fri Apr 19, 2013 10:25 pm

Chris that episode is stupid beyond belief

CI5 are sent to investigate racial harassment purely because Cowley says so

Bodie is revealed as a racist

Bodie despite being brutally stabbed Bodie not only survives but his racism is cured because he was treated by a black doctor and a black nurse

Doyle joins the bunch of racists by staging an obvious fight with a black guy

When the racists discover Doyle is lying they beat him up dump in a disused water tower whilst talking really loudly about their plans

On his way to the racists HQ Doyle sees a fellow CI5 in the street demands his gun and blows the guy's cover

The baddie is revealed to be not the racists but an evil black slumlord
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby ianj » Sat Apr 20, 2013 1:18 pm

Lewis Collins trousers are tight though.
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby cyberlad » Sat Apr 20, 2013 3:50 pm

he's also a short arse and runs like a girl. It says a lot about James Bond in the 80s that he was considered for the part
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby LizR » Sat Apr 20, 2013 9:15 pm

ianj wrote:Lewis Collins trousers are tight though.

And I thought his "Alice" books were good...








...sorry, I'll get my mushroom and hookah.
"I have sat here for 13 years weeping at the tragedy of so many people wasting the precious gift of life chasing the mirage of a bigger GDP." -- Jeanette Fitzsimons, in her valedictory speech on leaving parliament.

My crosswords are on my homepage & Android phones - install Alphacross and select "Māyā's Cryptic Puzzles" :D
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby The Krynoid Man » Sat Apr 27, 2013 4:50 pm

The Professionals is so bad it's good.
It has cliched story lines, 2 dimensional stereotypes for characters, rubbish dubbing (especially in the first season) and sexist attitudes towards women, but by god it's fun to watch
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby 'teleportNOW!' » Tue May 14, 2013 3:07 pm

I have to confess I really enjoy the Professionals - and I've been delighted at hints from Network that they're finally gonna bring them out on BluRay, re-scanned from the original film negs etc etc.

As with any serial, there's risible episodes and plots which make no sense, but most the crack along a good yarn, and it's very entertaining. The acting's usually pretty good and you get endless turns by well-known British actors (William Russel... Harold Innocent... Pamela Salem...David Collings... and a gazillion more I can't remember off the top of my head, but they'd come back to me.....) They're generally well shot and directed (you get people like Douglas Camfield doing a turn... and another fella who did the Goldeneye James Bond) and people like Dennis Spooner writing/script editing.

The music is also BLOODY MARVELLOUS. 8-)

It's not high drama, it's not deep and meaningful - but it's great telly entertainment, and also a marvellous time capsule of social attidues in the Britain in the late 70s/early80s
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby ianj » Tue May 14, 2013 3:30 pm

If I remember, it was typical of the Friday evening tv, bit lighter than in the weekday, in London it was shown on LWT on Friday evenings, then switched to Sunday nights. Those Clemens type shows always had a touch of The Avenger production about them.
The best Copper programme by far, even today, 35 years on, is The Sweeney, loads of hard punchups, blood and teeth everywhere, great car chases ( even better now they are retro) music and loads of ex-Who actors and actresses cropping up in it--Camfield directing,Verity Lambert overseeing it through Euston films for Thames television...great stuff!
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby 'teleportNOW!' » Tue May 14, 2013 4:25 pm

Yeah, I got the 'Regan' pilot and the first season of The Sweeny on Network's BluRays, am looking forward to the next 3 series (and the two original cast films?) coming out in due course.
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby LizR » Wed May 15, 2013 5:19 am

The Krynoid man wrote:The Professionals is so bad it's good.
It has cliched story lines, 2 dimensional stereotypes for characters, rubbish dubbing (especially in the first season) and sexist attitudes towards women, but by god it's fun to watch

So almost like New Who?


Sorry, I'll jump into my silver Ford Capri and speed off without fastening my seat belt.
"I have sat here for 13 years weeping at the tragedy of so many people wasting the precious gift of life chasing the mirage of a bigger GDP." -- Jeanette Fitzsimons, in her valedictory speech on leaving parliament.

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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby The Krynoid Man » Wed May 15, 2013 6:15 pm

LizR wrote:
The Krynoid man wrote:The Professionals is so bad it's good.
It has cliched story lines, 2 dimensional stereotypes for characters, rubbish dubbing (especially in the first season) and sexist attitudes towards women, but by god it's fun to watch

So almost like New Who?


No, no, I said fun to watch

LizR wrote:Sorry, I'll jump into my silver Ford Capri and speed off without fastening my seat belt.


Damn straight!
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby 'teleportNOW!' » Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:52 am

Yes but loolk at the page on Network's site about their forthcoming Professionals BluRay - it's got a split-screen video where you can compare the remaster with the old DVDs, and one of those "roll-over the screen-grab with your mouse and be amazed at the improvement" things (like the Restoration Team USED to do before they banned us all)
http://networkonair.com/features/2013/0 ... essionals/
Brilliant!
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Re: thread on the professionals

Postby ianj » Sat Jun 08, 2013 12:12 am

Yes but Lewis Collins' trouser bulges will be in sharper focus, won't they?
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