Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Sue Ellen, you're a drunk, a tramp and an unfit mother.

Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Thu Oct 27, 2011 10:52 pm

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Whhaaaaaa waaa waaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waa waaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Whaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaa waaaaaaaaaa wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaa waa waaaaaaaaa

( The Rovers Return public house..........the door swings open, and in walks Ian Sharples.........)

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"How do' how do--I'll 'ave three pints 'a Milk Stout, an' , 'appen as like-I'll not 'ave you putting a penny onto each of their prices just because I'm tekkin' them inta' snug, Mikey Walker".....she said as she flung 2 and thruppence-ha'penny down on the counter and steamed on through the door to the snug.

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( Mikey Walker looked shocked at the thought )

"Mai Dear, Ah'll have you know that I am certain, yes; indeed , certain, that the thought would positively never cross mai mind, Dear!" she retorted, as she poured three pints of watered down stout into three grimy jars..

( With that, the door opened again, and in breezed the blowsy Kajaboy Tanner...)

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" Now, just you LISTEN to ME, you miserable old busybody! Just because Ive been Married sixteen times doesnt mean to say that anyone can cast aspersions on MY character, just because they feel that they have a God-given right to!" ( whilst simultaneously lighting up a "Senior Service" tab).

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Ian Sharples slams the glass of milk stout down onto the table and retorts: " Well, anyone who has been married SIXTEEN times and still cant keep a Man must be doing SOMMAT wrong, somewhere down t' line, mustn't they-eh?"

.....Kajaboy Tanner rounds on Ian Sharples and retorts "WELL, at least they didn't carry MY Husband out feet first IN A BOX!".....

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*************END OF PART ONE******************************************************************
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Tue Nov 01, 2011 4:05 pm

************************* PART TWO ********************************************************

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Mikey walker smiles radiantly and says " Now, now! Mai dear friends--this is positively NO way to carry on in my Public bar, here in the Rovers Return; Ai suggest we settle down and sort the whole thing out amicably...."

( Cue "Mexican standoff" between the Ian Sharples, Mikey Walker and Steven Tanner........)

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" Well......................................If your 'n chair, Ah'll 'ave pint Milk stout, then" replied Ian Sharples, to no-one in particular.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I reet walked int'a that one, 'ent' I? " replied Steven Tanner, fishing a farthing out of her capacious purse...
Suddenly the door of the Rovers Return flew open, and in walked RobW Tilsley Image

"Ah'll 'ave whassshheverrr thossse girrrrllls are haviiinnngg!!" she sloshed

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WWWaaahhaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
wwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaw aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Sun Nov 06, 2011 1:50 pm

Waaaaaaaaaaa whaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

waaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaawa aaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa

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******** As RobW Tilsley slurs her way over to the bar in the Rovers Return, Ian Sharples, Steven Tanner and Mikey Walker all look aghast*************

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"Ah said, A'll 'ave whasssever theeese 'r 'aving!" she slurred to Mikey Walker

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" Now, Mai Dear; Ai think you've had QUITE enough already, don't you?"

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" You jumped-up old boiler!--'ow DARE yoo!.......................Thiss isssssssss a public house, isss it not?--an I want SERVING!!! My Bert is 'over-road waiting fer his egg an chips, -an' I'll tell-ee...........you think you're tooo goood fer' this area, an' you always 'ave done a'well!"

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Ian Sharples steams in .. " RIGHT ! That'll be enough o' that sort-a carrying-on in THIS house! COUNT yerself lucky that you're not over-road at the Mission, as I'll be in moment, when A've finished these 'ere 4 pints of Crudingtons' Milk stout--AYE! 'An I'll be able t'find way across cobbles wi'out fallin t'gutter-UNLIKE some I could mention!--And I'll give you summat else t' chew on n a'well!--why don't YOU know your place over'road in FRONT of yon Gas Stove!! YOUR place, Madam, is in your BERT'S! Cookin' his scram!" "Now---git!"

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*********The Rovers Return door slams shut**************

*******************END OF PART ONE**************************************************
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby chap with wings » Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:46 pm

Just genius Ianj :lol: :lol:
"It can become a kind of franchise where it's not a real character at all, but just an amalgam of elements that people think are Doctor Who: a scarf, a bow tie... I wanted to be the actual Doctor Who." - Peter Capaldi

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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby Kajaboy » Sun Nov 06, 2011 4:22 pm

:floorroll: :floorroll: :floorroll: :floorroll:
My next door neighbour mixed up her KY jelly with the superglue. I asked her how she managed that but her lips are sealed.
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Tue Nov 08, 2011 6:23 pm

***************************************PART TWO*************************************************

Mikey Walker and Renee Kamelion stand in Renees corner shop.....

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" So Ai said to poor Mrs. RobW Tilsley, Ai said " Well, if you cannot see that you are at fault, Mrs. Tilsley, then Ai suggest that you go on back home, and think about what you have just said, and your actions, especially towards Mrs. Ian Sharples, Kajaboy Tanner AND Maiself; naturally; if you then think that you have a grievence with any one of us, then you must come back over and intercede on your own behalf, "--THATS what Ai said, and I stand by it, Renee Kamelion, Ai really do............!"

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" EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.........The front parlour of the Ogdens house, no.7.......................

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"Wher's m'dinner, woman.........COME on !! ................A'hm losin' VALUABLE drinkin' time now!" shouts Stan Ogden, to his charlady wife, Ed Ogden...........

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"SHUUURRRRUUUUP, stanley!" yells Ed Ogden, "AAA'MMM TRYIIIN' T'HEAR WITH THIS GLASS ON'T WALL, SO'S I CAN MAKE OUT THE ARGUEMENT NEXT DOOR IN'T FRONT PARLOUR!!"

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"Well, shall's I get me own grub then?? Why keep a dog an' bark yersel'??"

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"STANLEY OGDEN!! YER'LL BE WEARING THAT DINNER IN A MOMENT!!! NOW LEAVE ME BE, AN' LET ME LISTEN IN T; THIS !---GO AN' HELP YOURSELF T' SOME CAKES--I'VE BIN BAKING-THEYRE IN'T SCULLERY!!"

" OOOOOOOOO they r right funny lookin' cakes--they remind me o' summat..............................?"

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WWaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waa wwwahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby Kamelion » Thu Nov 10, 2011 1:47 pm

:floorroll: :floorroll: :floorroll:

Blinding cakes!!!!!!
"..and who knows when it will end..."
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Tue Nov 15, 2011 4:01 pm

Wwaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa

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**********************The Ogdens house; Ed Ogden has her ear to the adjoining wall........*****************
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Stan Ogden says, perplexed.."Well, Where's m'dinner, Woman! A few fancies won't be any good t'me, yer know!"

"EEEEEEE! DON'T I KNOW, CHUCK!-DON'T I KNOW!!......................CACKLE, CACKLE...................."
" I'LL GO ROUND T' RENEE KAMELION'S 'AN GET YER SUMMAT"
***************Door goes bang***********************************************
***************Ed enters Renee Kamelion's shop, and engages Renee in a conversation about what to have for tea.*******

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" AN I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO GIVE THE GREAT LUMMOX TONIGHT-OTHER THAN THE BACK OF MY HAND!! CACKLE! CACKLE!"..................
**************Renee looks perplexed...................*******************

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"Why dont you gi' im eggs tonight, you gave 'im corned dog yesterday, with chips........"

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"EEEEEEEEEEE I DONT KNOW IF IVE FEW BIT TATTIES IN SCULLERY............ID BETTER GO BACK N' CHECK....."

**********************Ed Ogden clatters out of the shop, slamming the door in the process*******************

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" EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"

**************************************end of part one*************************************************

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"ON YOUR LAST VISIT, DID YOU DISCOVER WHAT THE EARTH PEOPLE EAT?"
"NO, BUT THEY DRINK A GREAT DEAL OF THIS!"

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"COO-EEEEEEEEE! COOO-EEEEEE! MR. SHIFTER--!! LAIGHT REFRESHMENTS!!"

WhEn a good cup of tea is really P.G..............................

............................Dont bother. Drink Gin.

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Gin. Much better than tea.

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*************************************PART TWO****************************************************************

Ian Sharples looks pensive.......................................

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" Oh, I just dont know........................why, o, why, won't people round 'ere see me fer what I am? 'Appen, Im only tryint t' look out fer them, 'an , likely as not, its thrown back in me' face, an all--that blowsy Kajaboy Tanner-she's another one, always on the lookout fer another Man...........shes bin Married, AYE! Married sixteen times already!! Appen that Stokeo's Daimler knows way t' Church by itself, she's bin in'back so many times--an not always wi' engine runnin', either..............!"
" Anyway, they r' all same--that Mikey Walker, she thinks shes too good fer round 'ere 'an all--well, I'll not have the likes of HER tryin' t'Lord it over me! Ive walked these cobbles fer 170 years, and she only arrived here in 1886, so's IM not goin' t' stand fer any of her nonsense........"

"Anyway's up.....................I knew I shouldnt 'ave 'ad those radishes fer lunch.........................."

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WWWWAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaawa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Wed Nov 30, 2011 9:13 pm

Waaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

wwwwwwwwwwwa aaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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********** Renee Kamelion's corner shop****************** Mikey Walker is conversing with Renee Kamelion*********

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" So, anyway, Renee Kamelion, Ai said to the gels, Ai said that IF they wanted to come with me on the B.E.A. --thats British European Airways to you, Renee, that is, Package holiday, then they ought to have the monies ready by Friday-Not an unreasonable request, one feels, Renee, in the circumstances, anyway..............."

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"Appen, Mrs. Walker, that not all of 'em will stump up cash fer the shindig, as my "tick" list will prove!"

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" Mai dear, what YOU do with your tick list is ENTIRELY your own affair, but let me tell you, Renee Kamelion, MAI drinking establishment doesnt even know, nor wants to know, what a tick list is. Credit? Not in MAI premises......Good morning to you, Mrs. Kamelion................"

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" EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

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************** The Rovers return bar*****************************************************

Ed Ogden and Bet Manners are talking

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" CACKLE! CACKLE! EEEEEEEEEEE! DO YER KNOW, I'VE GOT THE MONEY FER THE HOLIDAY TRIP, AN IM COMIN WI YA!"

" That right?"

"MY STANLEY WILL HAVE T' GET OWN SCRAM FER TH' DURATION! AHM REET LOOKING FORWARD T'IT, I CAN TELL EE!"

"That right?"

"COURSE, I AVNA TOLD HIM, LIKE--YET......................."

"That right?"

--------------------------------------------------end of part one-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Wed Nov 30, 2011 9:25 pm

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Silly old sod. Drink more Gin. For that warm feeling inside..................

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---------------------------------

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" Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate.................................."
" Tastes like chocolate never tasted before...................
" LLLllllaaaaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaa laaa oooooooooooooooooooooooohhh"

----------------------------------

*************************************************Part Two *******************************************************
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Wed Nov 30, 2011 9:38 pm

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Kajaboy Tanner enters the Rovers Return pub----------------------------------

" Ey up! Were all goin t' Majorca fer our Hols this year, an Ed Ogden 'an RobW Tilsley's goin' an all!"

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" That right?" says Bet Nimon and Mikey Walker at the same time

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" That right?" booms IanJ Sharples " Well, let me tell ee summat! AHM goin' t' Masionette or whatever the flippin' place is called an all! OR is my money nowt good round 'ere?? Let me tell you summat!--my threepence happeny is as good as any-AYE! any round 'ere---And dont any of you try an' stop me! ahm off over'road now t'fill me carry-case wi' spare bottles o milk stout an' such-like..."

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" Well, thats all settled them--money by Friday, please, Ladies, and we can all drive up to the Airfield in mai Rover motor-vehicle" states Mikey Walker

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" OH! were off to sunny Spain...................a Viva espana!!"

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Waaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby THE DALEK SUPREME » Sun Dec 04, 2011 9:23 pm

I haven't laughed so much in ages :lol:
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby Mike Nuttall » Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:14 pm

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I'm orf to the Licenced Victuallers Association annual dinner dance at the Tin Mission with my Jark but I shall be calling in at your vestry on the way, ianj sharples!
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby Mike Nuttall » Tue Dec 06, 2011 5:52 am

COMING SOON!

The best chance for achieving peace and prosperity, for the maximum number of people worldwide, is to pursue the cause of liberty.

If you find this to be a worthwhile message, spread it throughout the land.
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:01 pm

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Waaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaa waaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaa
wwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaa wa waaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa

******** Bet Nimon and Mikey Walker are in the Rovers Return pub discussing the forthcoming travel arrangements***********

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" Ai think that we should all of us have a most wonderful time in the Med., Bet.....Ai must say that I cannot wait for Fred to bring mai Rover motor-vehicle round to the front door!"

"Aye-that right?" enquires Bet Nimon

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"Appen, he 'd better'n bring yon car roun' an happen as like, I'll not be rushed wi' my stout !" retorts Ian Sharples.

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"Mai dear Mrs. Sharples, let nothing interfere with your enjoyment of mai wonderful Newton and Ridleys milk stout; I will have you know that that drop has won awards...."

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***************** The door of the pub flies open as RobW Tilsley enters **************

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"Ive gotten ma passport and Ive rescued me chip pan fram kitchen, so we'll be alright fer a few bit chips!"

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........................... END OF PART ONE .....................................................
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:16 pm

LLALALAAA AAAAAA

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" The Milky bar kid is strong and tough, and only the best is good enough...........................2

" the biggest bottle, the bestest make, the goodness thats in a BIG BOTTLE OF GIN...."

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LLlaaaa allllllaaaaaaaaaaaa

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" look in this weeks tv times, for fabulous features!!!!!!!!!!"

"LULU; MY FRONTAL LOBOTOMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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" Win this Cortina !!!!"

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"Laaa llaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Theres so much more in this weeks.....tv times!!!"
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby The Nimon » Sun Jan 08, 2012 10:59 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :floorroll: :floorroll: :floorroll: :floorroll:
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Tue Jan 17, 2012 7:58 pm

********************************** Part Two *********************************************************************************************

The Rovers Return bar...........Bet Nimon

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"Appen as like, Ah'll need sommat skimpy t' wear while we're all loungin' roun' pool"

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"Well, let ME tell 'ee summat--you'll not catch ME wearing summat skimpy! I'll ber in me best Sunday woolies, from Marks'es...they 'll put up struggle, aye, I'll tell 'ee!"

Mikey Walker

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"Ai've told Fred to fetch mai Rover motoer vehicle round to the front of the establishmaint, but he has JUST informed me that he has, and Ai tell you JUST as he has told my good self; He has managed to flood the Rover out whilst cleaning her. "

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" EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"

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---------------------------------Later, on board the aeroplane at Manchester Ringway airfield-----------------------------

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"Pass me travel sweet, will 'ee?"
"When does the man come round t'punch me ticket??"
"Where's pantry??"
"I'm not going anywhere in that old crate!"
"MAi dear; this is a BRITISH EUROPEAN AIRWAYS craft, you need have no fear, no fear at all...."
" What am I sittin' on ??--Oh! Dear! I AM sorry....................."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WHATS THA' NOISE!!!"

"Dont worry-its only the Captain starting up his engines..................................."
"OH!"
----------------------------------As the plane roars down the runway, and takes off, a mad dash for the toilets ensues-----------

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"I'm first!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
"Did that Captain say that we will be flying over Bournemouth? I stayed at Bournemouth once, and was GROSSLY overcharged."
"Wedll, nows yer chance t' get yer own back on 'em then--by using the little girl's room!" CACKLE CACKLE !!!

------A rousing chorus is heard...........................

"EEE UP, WE'RE OFF T'SUNNY SPAIN, A VIVA, A VAUXHALL VIVA......!"
"Appen, yer'll keep yer 'ands where I can see 'em!"
..................."Mai dear Bet Nimon, pass me my handbag, will you? I feel one of mai migraines coming on....."
"What's fer dinner on yonder flying machine, then...?"

WWAAAAAAAAAAAH HAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby Kajaboy » Mon Jun 18, 2012 2:48 am

Did they ever get to Mag-orka?
My next door neighbour mixed up her KY jelly with the superglue. I asked her how she managed that but her lips are sealed.
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Re: Coronation Street..........Mondas style!

Postby ianj » Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:13 pm

************ I.T.V. ANNOUNCEMENT***************************************


A NEW EDITION OF CORONATION STREET-MONDAS STYLE! WILL COMMENCE TRANSMISSION SHORTLY; IN THE MEANTIME, SOME MUSIC...
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